Sensibly Named Child: Dad, what if the hat puts me in Slytherin?
Neville: Then it means you really are a Slytherin. Do you have any idea how hard I begged to be a Hufflepuff? How hard I argued with the hat against Gryffindor? And you know what, it turns out the hat was right and I pulled the sword out of the hat and killed the snake. It’s a magical hat and you’re an eleven year old who thinks Axe works to attract girls. You know nothing, listen to the hat.

hermione: so ron, you’re annoyed because harry always plays the hero role and you’re relegated to bumbling sidekick?
ron: yeah
hermione: and harry, you want the world to stop trying to kill you for five minutes and have a nap?
harry: mhm
hermione: okay, i got a solution, and it’s called ‘the giant vat of illegal polyjuice potion i’ve been brewing in the bathroom again just in case’

harry, first year: oh my gosh, the forbidden forest sounds so dangerous! i’d better stay away from it.
harry, seventh year: so i’m having a barbecue in the forbidden forest, who wants in

jollysunflora:

lullabyknell:

bigenderbeatnik:

nentuaby:

Heck, I bet there’s a special, secret lounge accessible only to students who convincingly give the door an answer it hadn’t had in mind.

Do you think Ravenclaws ever argue with the door to their tower? I bet they do. Like, the eagle says their answer to the riddle is wrong, but they argue the point and the eagle eventually comes around to their side and lets them in. 

Okay, but I actually think about this all the time. Ravenclaws and their problems with their dormitory door. 

Like, imagine Su Li and Lisa Turpin coming back from dinner having some conversation or another about how they have some Herbology essay due tomorrow and neither of them did it because they were too distracted with a tangent they got on while doing their Potions homework. And Lisa’s going, “Alright, Su, Tony’s already got the books, so we just have to buckle down and do this. We got this. It’s fine. We’ll just go in and work our asses off.”
They get to the door and knock, still talking, entirely on muscle memory. They’re barely listening when the eagle asks them, “Where do Vanished objects go?”
Lisa’s brain is a little too fried with worry to think at the moment, but she’s not too concerned about getting in because Su looks calm and thoughtful about this one.
And then Su turns to her and goes, “Where DO Vanished objects go?”
Damn it all to hell, Lisa knows that look.
“Su. Su, no. It’s a riddle, Su. It’s just a riddle.”
“Yeah, I know it’s a riddle, but it’s also a legitimate question. I mean, Vanished objects have to go SOMEWHERE, right? For you to Conjure them again afterwards? Or are you just creating an identical object out of nothing? Or maybe not nothing… what are Conjured objects made of, do you think?”
“Su, we really have to write this Herbology essay.”
“I know. But it’s an interesting question. I bet somebody’s done a study on this. I heard Padma say that Conjured objects are different to real ones. Do you think that there’d be a way to tell if your Conjured object was the same one you’d Vanished? Like, if you bespelled it with a charm and it came back with the spells?”
“Well… I once heard an upper-year say that Vanishing bespelled objects is tricky. They were looking into it for their Curse-Breaking apprenticeship. But it might be possible. I definitely don’t think it’s possible to Conjure bespelled objects from nothing.”
“It might be. I read this book where somebody talked about conjuring a Sneak-o-scope and those are definitely enchanted objects.”
“Was it a Gilderoy Lockhart book? Because that sounds like bullshit to me.”
“No, I can show you. It was in a Auror’s Memoirs. I just returned them to the library this morning, so I bet nobody’s taken them out yet. And-”
“That sounds like an unreliable source.”
“AND I was reading this Charms book the other day that referenced a book on the specifics of Vanishing objects that had an author who was an expert in their field and a retiree from the Department of Mysteries with the same last name as the book by the Auror.”
“I’m not believing this until I see a source.”
“Fine, come on!”
The eagle knocker has long since settled back into its resting state by then, Su and Lisa immediately run off to the library, arguing the whole way, and the next day, Professor Sprout gives the extremely apologetic students an extension on the essay while sighing, “Ravenclaws.”

Or imagine there’s some Muggleborn student who has an astrophysicist for one parent and a biologist for the other, and they think magic is amazing, but they’re also really into Muggle science as well.
“Which came first,” the eagle knocker asks them at one point, “the phoenix or the fire?”
And they’re immediately like, “the fire.”
While their friend is like, “Benny, no, that’s not how this works. My brother told me about things like this, it’s one of those paradox questions.”
“What? No way. Fire came first.”
“Benny…”
“Fire is a chemical reaction and, as far as I can tell, phoenixes are a fiery bird that probably evolved just like everything else did on this planet. We’re a really small speck on the cosmic calendar, Raleigh, and I’m saying that unless phoenixes are actually aliens – which would be AWESOME, you-”
“Benny…”
“-have to admit – fire came first. There are trillions of stars that haved burned and died billions of years before our sun was even born. This is just like that chicken and the egg question, in that it sounds like a paradox but it’s actually not, because the egg existed long before the bird we know as the chicken ever evolved-”
“Benny!”
“What?”
“You… the door opened.”
“What? Oh cool. Finally, someone who recognizes science in this nutty place.”
About a week later, Benny completely disrupts and derails their Astronomy class by arguing with Professor Sinestra about the school curriculum (that hasn’t been updated in more than fifty years or more) being “WAY TOO OUT OF DATE, PROFESSOR! THIS TEXTBOOK WAS WRITTEN IN 1910! THESE TELESCOPES ARE RIDICULOUS! WHEN’S THE LAST TIME A WIZARD WENT TO AN ACTUAL PLANETARIUM?! OH MY GOD, DO WIZARDS EVEN KNOW THAT THE AMERICANS HAVE GONE TO THE MOON?”
And the wizardborn kids are like, “The Americans have WHAT?” While poor Raleigh has his face in his hands and isn’t even surprised.

Or imagine other things. Like that time the first years has to stand around for two hours after the Welcoming Feast because their Prefects gave them a short speech, a small tour, and then got into an “academic disagreement” (as the house of Ravenclaw has come to call them) over the riddle. So there’s this group of eleven-year-olds playing party games in the hall while their fifteen-year-old “mentors” yell at each other over the riddle. And they only got inside in the end because someone actually managed to notice that the first years never came in and “Hey, that’s sort of weird”, and sent some second year to go look for them.

Or when NEWTs season came around, and there was a seventh year SO STRESSED that they came back from the library at three in the morning and when the eagle knocker asked them a riddle, they just burst into tears and sobbed against the door for ten minutes before the eagle awkwardly declared, “Nicely answered!” and let them in anyway.

I mean, Ravenclaws… they’d be a mess.

#oh god I can’t stop giggling#this is so perfect and accurate though????#like#oh my god#I love shit like this#I can just… so perfectly imagine that seventh year just curling up on the floor WEEPING while the eagle is just like….#Rowena never fucking prepared me for this